How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Drunk is a universal language darling
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
