Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
