Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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