I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
