the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
farters have to be the big spoon...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
