i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
