the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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