I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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