First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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