I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
