In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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