I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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