Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
