Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
