I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
