apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
