you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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