why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
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whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize