apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
