Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
