Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
