I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
