My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
