so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just found puke in my bra..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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