What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
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why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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