Your face is a jimmy john
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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