Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The struggles of a small town man whore
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.