It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party