I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
