When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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