the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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