I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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