I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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