Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
