I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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