Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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