yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
We got so high we made milksteak
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You dont lie about slip and slides
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
