Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
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