i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
