i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
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If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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