I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
