Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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