when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
