Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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