my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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