The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
