just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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