just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
