i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
