You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
