i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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