Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
