you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
