Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
