I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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