When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
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Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
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Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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