I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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