so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
