ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's shark week go big or go home
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
