I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He passed out mid-signature
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
